Charlie Sheen’s Contribution to the Pop-Cultural Lexicon

2 Mar

Charlie Sheen is “winning” at life right now. Since coming out of rehab, every time the actor opens his mouth, there is an instant catchphrase waiting to take the world by storm! So, Kyle Buchanan over at Vulture has compiled a handy reference for all of us: The Sheen Glossary. Want to know what “Sheening” means? How about “Tiger blood”? Now you have a reference to find out!

Charlie Sheen
proper noun, verb, Sheened, Sheening
1. the actor whose erratic behavior may have cost him his lucrative job as a sitcom lead
2. the perfectly legal, yet dangerous substance that said actor claims to use recreationally, e.g., “I’m on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die”
3. the act of behaving in a manner akin to this actor, as in Trey Parker and Matt Stone telling David Letterman that they were “Sheening pretty hard” when they cross-dressed at the Oscars

Goddesses
plural noun
1. women available for sexual favors, positive reinforcement, and lounging seductively just offscreen, including (but not limited to) porn stars and wayward graphic designers
2. the sort of woman who might require a lot of verbal hand-holding when asked to make instant coffee during your TMZ Live interview (“It’s the premade. The instant. Mix the water with the powder. Don’t confuse her”)

Warlocks
plural noun
men whose special powers (shooting poetry from one’s fingertips, converting tin cans into gold) have earned them a dispensation from the Vatican to commit assassinations
See also: “gnarly gnarlingtons”

Winning
verb (frequently used)
1. the act of triumphing over studio executives, famous fathers, and jerky show-runners, who then have no choice but to “lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives”
2. an exclamation point used at the end of a sentence, e.g., “Sorry, you thought you were just messing with one dude. Winning

Bi-winning
verb
1. a term that can be used to lighten the mood when asked about mental illness (“I’m not bipolar, I’m bi-winning”)
2. successfully convincing two bottle-blond porn actresses to make out with each other

Chaim Levine
vaguely anti-Semitic nickname
a disparaging way to reference Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre
See also: clown, bozo, charlatan, stupid little man, pussy punk, piece of shit

Geek Squad
proper noun
an alternate name for The Big Bang Theory, also created by Lorre (suggested use: “Mike & Molly and Geek Squad are gonna explode like they were hit like a Japanese torpedo”)

Tiger blood
noun
1. the fluid that circulates in the principal vascular system of the star of Two and a Half Men, occasionally spiked by prescription drugs, cocaine, and erectile dysfunction pills
2. a totally bitchin’ shot made with Kahlua, grenadine, and Blue Curacao liqueur
See also: Adonis DNA

The Sober Valley Lodge
location
a nickname for one’s home, where warlocks and goddesses can consort far from the pernicious influence of Alcoholics Anonymous and addictions can be fixed just by closing one’s eyes, making a noise like the click of a camera shutter, then muttering, “Cured. Winning

F-18
noun
jet with firepower comparable to truth bombs dropped by an addled celebrity, e.g., “Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro”

“The scoreboard doesn’t lie”
phrase
baseball reference used to indicate the extent of one’s winning, where the home team’s tally is always a lit-up infinity symbol, while the visitors must make do with an LED rendering of Charlie Sheen giving the thumbs-down sign (with a smaller caption that reads, “Sorry, bro”)

The octagon
imaginary location
1. a place where a show-runner and star can battle it out for dominance
2. an unclearly demarcated area that a porn star or escort might accidentally wander into at her own peril when one is upset about one’s wallet being stolen

Porn family
noun
an empty house in escrow down the street from one’s Malibu compound that could be filled with porn actresses appealing to very specific fetishes (MILFs, pigtails) in an X-rated simulacrum of an actual family unit, with a starting bid filed by one “C. Irwin Estevez”

Check out of the Charlie Sheen interview below:

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